Author: Shiyara Dassanayake
PCC | Attorney- at – Law | Life Coach | Corporate Trainer
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
— Leo Tolstoy
What separates great leaders and coaches from the rest? Is it strategic thinking? Vision? Influence? While these qualities matter, there is an often-overlooked trait that distinguishes truly impactful leaders—self-compassion.
In leadership and coaching, resilience, adaptability, and emotional intelligence are essential. Yet, many leaders hold themselves to punishingly high standards, equating self-compassion with weakness. In truth, self-compassion is not indulgence. It is a high-performance strategy. It nurtures resilience, fuels emotional regulation, and prevents burnout. Leaders who extend kindness to themselves not only thrive—they cultivate environments where others do too.
Beyond the Buzzword: What Is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Christopher Germer, co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion programme, defines self-compassion as “simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” But here’s the real question: Do we really do that?
Think about the last time you made a mistake or faced a setback. Did you offer yourself the patience and understanding you would extend to a colleague? Or did your inner voice leap to criticism?
Self-compassion is not about making excuses or lowering the bar. It is about acknowledging mistakes without letting them define you. It means treating yourself with fairness and encouragement—seeing setbacks as part of growth rather than proof of failure. And the impact is profound: leaders who practice self-compassion remain clear-headed under pressure, recover faster from challenges, and inspire trust in those around them.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Pity: A Crucial Distinction
Self-compassion says, “This is tough, but I can learn from it and move forward.”
Self-pity says, “This is unfair. Nothing ever goes my way.”
While self-compassion helps you grow, self-pity keeps you stuck. Self-pity magnifies problems, fuels helplessness, and isolates you. Leaders who lead with grace don’t ignore their challenges, nor do they dwell in them. They recognize their struggles, respond with resilience, and move ahead with clarity.
The Science of Self-Compassion in Leadership
A 2018 Harvard Business Review article, Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion, underscores its leadership benefits. Far from promoting complacency, self-compassion enhances emotional regulation, strengthens resilience, and safeguards against burnout. For coaches and leaders, it fosters authenticity and trust—qualities that strengthen team cohesion and effectiveness.
When leaders acknowledge their vulnerabilities with grace, they shift focus from perfectionism to sustainable growth. They model the behaviours they want their teams to adopt—creating workplaces where people feel safe to take risks, innovate, and evolve.
Breaking the Myth: Self-Compassion Is Not Lowering Standards
Many high achievers resist self-compassion, fearing it will make them soft or seem soft. The reality? Research shows self-compassionate individuals to be more motivated to improve, not less. Unlike harsh self-criticism, which leads to fear-based performance, self-compassion fuels intrinsic motivation—driving people to grow, not out of fear, but out of a deep commitment to excellence.
The Three Pillars of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion researcher, identifies three key components that transform both leadership and personal growth:
Mindfulness: Recognising struggles without being consumed by them. It helps leaders stay present and objective rather than allowing negative thoughts to spiral.
The Opposite: Self absorption- where emotions cloud judgement and increase stress.
Commom Humanity: Understanding that struggles are part of human experience. Leaders who embrace this realise they are not alone, reducing feelings of isolation and fostering greater empathy for others.
The Opposite: Self isolation- leading to loneliness and disconnection.
Self Kindness: Responding with warmth and care instead of harsh self-criticisim. Leaders who practice self-kindness create space for learning and growth without berating themselves for falling short of perfection.
The Opposite: Self- criticism- eroding confidenceand inhabiting progress.
Practical Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion
The great thing about developing self -compassion is that it doesn’t require a large time commitment- only mindful, intentional practice. I have come across a few simple ways to bring self-compassion in to your leadershipand coaching approach. These might be worth experimenting with:
The best part? Developing self-compassion doesn’t require large time investments—just intentional practice. Here’s how you can integrate it into your leadership and coaching approach:
- Self-Compassion Meditation: Start each day with five minutes of affirming kindness towards yourself.
- Mindful Listening: Notice and adjust critical self-talk, speaking to yourself as you would to a close friend.
- Journaling Prompts: Reflect on setbacks with curiosity rather than criticism. Ask, “What can I learn from this?”
- Three-Breath Pause:Take three conscious deep breaths to reset and regain perspective in stressful moments.
- Reframe Self-Critical Thoughts: Challenge and rephrase self-judgment, shifting to a more compassionate mindset.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge progress regularly to foster a balanced perspective.
Reflection Prompts for Leaders and Coaches
- What is one recent challenge I faced, and how did I respond to it?
- How can I treat myself with more kindness while still holding myself accountable?
- In what ways can I model self-compassion for my team?
- What steps can I take this week to cultivate greater self-compassion in my leadership approach?
These simple practices can be integrated into your daily routine without feeling like a huge time investment.I invite you to try them out and see what resonates with you.
Final Thoughts: A Shift in Perspective, A Shift in Leadership
Self-compassion is not just a tool for personal well-being—it is a leadership superpower. It strengthens resilience, fosters innovation, and creates cultures of trust and authenticity. When leaders embrace self-compassion, they not only elevate themselves but also empower those around them to do the same.
So, the next time you face a setback, pause. Ask yourself: Am I being kind to myself in a way that helps me grow? Or am I keeping myself stuck?
True leadership is not about perfection. It’s about showing up—fully, authentically, and with grace. And that begins with how we treat ourselves.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into the topic, I believe that Dr. Kristin Neff’s TED Talk, “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion,” may complement this read.
https://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4?si=NPdCKKjZfXFDb-Pb
