Author Shiyara Dassanayake.
My daughter being the buddle of energy that she is, bounds after school, lugging all her paraphnelia and drops them on the living room floor. She flops herself in to an armchair and reaches out for my phone to check the countless number of messages she may received on my phone. As much as being overjoyed to have her in my company and feel her energy around me, I can sense my breathing change and a sense of impatience build in me. Here I am, bracing myself to have that diificult conversation.
Whether at home or at work, difficult converations are inevitable. However difficult it may be, whether we like it or not, we do need to have these converasation to maintain healthy relationships.
More often than not when we are faced with situations such as addressing poor performance at work or guiding children at home, we go into the root cause of the situation and our converations is one of feedback of what should have been instead of what is or what was. What has happened as already taken place, there is no chance go back in time and change the circumstances or the occurances or the experiences that may have transpired. Such conversations, in reality, add no value. What’s worse is that they can sour the relationship rather than help it.
Instead of speaking of what should have been done, if we choose to set the context in a more neutral manner and see how things can be done differently in a similar context in the future, it can lead to more productive outcomes. Speaking of what has transpired and giving feedback on it will most likely lead to defensiveness and discouragement. Instead, setting the context and providing feedforward in a difficult situation would most likely make the other party engaged in the conversation, feel encouraged and more willing to participate actively. This approach fosters a positive and constructive dialogue, promoting growth and collaboration rather than resistance and negativity.
Let us look at a few scenarios to understand this more meaningfully.
Feedforward
In the Corporate Context
Scenario 1:
Addressing Poor Performance:
Imagine you’re a manager needing to discuss an employee’s poor performance. Traditionally, this might involve pointing out mistakes and areas where the employee has fallen short. While this feedback is necessary, it can be demoralizing if not handled well.
Feedback: “In the last quarter, your sales numbers were 20% below target. Several clients mentioned that follow-up was inconsistent.”
Feedforward: “To improve, let’s work on a follow-up schedule that ensures all clients receive timely updates. Additionally, consider setting weekly goals to track your progress. I believe this approach will help you meet your targets more effectively.”
Here we see how the context is set in the converation bringing a clear understanding of past issues and then how the actionable steps for improvement are framed in a positive light.
Scenario 2:
Negative Phrase: “You’re not meeting expectations and dragging the team down.”
Positive Reframe: “I’ve noticed some areas where we can improve, and I believe with the right support, you can meet your goals.”
At Home
Scenario 1:
Scenario: Parental Guidance Over Child Neglecting Schoolwork
Parents often face the challenge of motivating their children to take their responsibilities seriously. A common reaction might be to express disappointment or frustration, but this can have long-term negative effects.
Scenario 2:
Feedback: “I’ve noticed you haven’t been completing your homework on time, and your grades are slipping.”
Feedforward: “Let’s create a homework schedule together. We can set aside time each day for you to focus on your studies, and I’ll be here to help if you need it. By sticking to this routine, I believe you’ll see an improvement in your grades.”
This approach not only addresses the issue but also involves the child in finding a solution, promoting a sense of responsibility and support.
Scenario 3:
Negative Phrase: “You’re wasting your potential by not studying.”
Positive Reframe: “I know you have the ability to excel. Let’s find a way to make studying more effective and enjoyable for you.”
Praising Effort
Also, Carol Dweck’s research in “Mindset” emphasizing the value of praising effort over inherent ability. This fosters a growth mindset, encouraging continuous improvement and resilience.
Corporate Context
Effort Praise: “I appreciate the hard work you’ve put into this project. Your dedication is evident, and it’s making a difference.”
Ability Praise: “You’re so talented; I knew you’d do well.”
While both are positive, praising effort highlights the importance of hard work and perseverance, which are controllable factors.
Home Context
Effort Praise: “I’m proud of how hard you’ve been studying. Your effort is paying off.”
Ability Praise: “You’re so smart; you always get good grades.”
Again, focusing on effort encourages a growth mindset, teaching children that persistence leads to success.
Looking at the above scenarios you may understand that whether in the workplace or at home, effectively handling difficult conversations relies heavily on the words you choose, as they significantly impact the outcome of the discussion. By avoiding negative phrasing and praising effort, leaders and parents can create an environment that fosters growth, motivation, and resilience.
Let’s take a look at this short video to see how Marshall Goldsmith and Judith Glaser discuss handling difficult converations.
